A Plague Upon Our House

So those of you who know me in real life (who I am kidding, that is all of you) know that my son is a CLONE of my husband. If I had not carried him inside my body for 10 months (cause you know it's actually closer to 10, right? that's something they don't tell you.) I would be suspicious that he contained any of my DNA at all. Every once in a while he makes insane random gestures while trying to communicate and he does have an aversion to weirdly textured food, but other than that...he is ALL his dad. Until now...

See we all got sick. And we learned my son gets sick just like me. Now we didn't actually have a plague, it was really just a bad cold. We never ran a fever over 100. But when I get sick, I get SICK.

As a theatre person and educator, I experience a lot of situations (rehearsals, performances, auditions, classes) where people need to power through an illness. And I have always been so impressed when I meet those people who are like "Oh my GOSH, stay away from me, I am SO SICK" and yet I would never know. They look totally normal. Maybe their voice is raspy or they sniffle or the have a cough. But physically they look maybe tired, but otherwise healthy.

This is not me. I look like I have some rare deadly infectious disease. I get red and splotchy. My nose starts to peel after, I swear, an hour. My eyes are red and teary. My hair instantly turns greasy, no matter how much I wash it. I sound like I am drowning in phlegm and I don't just cough, I cough up a lung.  I look disgusting. I feel disgusting. I am disgusting.

Now the good news is I don't get sick often. And when I do, I have a sure fire remedy to get through it. I take NyQuil every 6 hours and sleep until it's gone. When I wake up between dosages I will have a few bites of chicken noodle soup or drink some tea. Let the dog out, if necessary. And then back to sleep. I can usually get through it in 24-48 hours without too much drama. Or I could. Until now.

Now I have this kid. This kid who gets sick just like me. A kid who is so miserable that he cries because he doesn't know what to do with himself. And when he cries all that phlegm that we drown in makes it hard for him to breathe. And he gets scared. And I get scared. And now They (the all knowing They) don't recommend giving cold medicine to children under 2. So we use steam. And humidifiers. And lots of hugs and love and rocking. We let him sleep in our arms. But he only wants his mom, so I let him sleep in my arms.

And all of this throws a huge kink in my Illness Plan.  I can't pass out for 24 hours. I am sick as a dog and totally miserable, but my kid needs me. He needs me.  And for the first time, truly for the very first time, it hits me that I am a Mom and my life has changed forever.

Because until this moment, everything was kind of new.  Yes, it was crazy and overwhelming when he was a newborn and couldn't function without us, but I had nothing to compare it to. That was like teaching a new class or starting rehearsal for a new play. I am good at embracing the new. And as you know from previous posts, I was all ready to embrace the homebody life of a new parent. But this was the first time I realized that this journey will not be all about embracing the new. It's about letting go of the old, of the comfortable. And I have to confess, that shook me up. More than I care to admit.

I tossed my NyQuil. I am not ashamed that I cried a little doing so. And the past week was a mess. But here we are on the other side of the experience. I have the rest of my life to figure out a new Plan.