Confession time:
I went on an audition. Being back in Suburbia means I live in close proximity to a Big City. And in this Big City they have them some TheeAYter. I should know. I was an actress in this Big City over 10 years ago.
OVER 10 YEARS AGO.
On one hand nothing has changed and on the other hand EVERYTHING has changed. The rules are mostly the same, but the players have changed, including myself. Its like having one of those weird dreams which doesn't feel like a dream because everything is normal, but you still know it's a dream because things are just a little off.-"Wow. I didn't realize I could bring my cat to work. Wait. I didn't know I had a cat. Hmm and my cat is wearing a tiny fedora. Oh well, got to grade these papers." That's how I've been feeling. All the time.
So much that I have been kind of paralyzed. I have lots of good reasons to tell people why I haven't been doing anything artistic- still getting settled, not sure how the "must drop everything" schedule of an actor fits in with being the mom of toddler, blah blah blah. And that's true. BUT if I am being honest, I just didn't even know where to begin. I felt too old to be doing the whole "HEY CITY! Here I AM! LET'S DO THIS!" audition shuffle. Generals? UGH! I sucked at them when I was young and perky. I can not FATHOM managing one now. But at the same time, it's been 10 years. I can't just expect work to fall out of the sky based on my good name from a decade ago.
So when I saw this audition, I figured I had to take it. It was a union general yes (vomit, vomit, so much vomit), BUT it was for a specific show and there were no monologues, just preparing sides. Okay. Okay. Less vomit. It was a new work and the play was about meth dealers. And one of the roles was for the pregnant girlfriend in her late 20's- early 30's. Okay. Okay. This was my thing. This is what I used to do- hooker just trying to get by? runaway drug addict? good heart, bad decisions? I was your girl. And this sounded like one of those kind of roles, but 10 years later. Perfect. Read up on the company- small, but very respected. Ensemble was impressive. Let's DO THIS.
And so I did. I took the Steve Martin adage "Be so good they can't ignore you" to heart. I picked up the sides even before I got a slot. I did my research. I did my homework and prep. I learned my sides by heart. I made choices. I created backstory. I did everything a good girl should.
The people in the audition room were lovely. The reader was great. It was as perfect of an audition scenario as one can ask for. I relaxed, trusted my work and just let go. I felt good. As I rewarded myself with Starbucks for hauling my ass into the Big City and taking a grown-up audition, I was pretty darn confident I would get a callback.
I got an email that night. Thanking me for my time and my preparation, but out of respect for my time they wanted to let me know they were going in another direction.
Now first of all, thank you Small Theatre Company!! That was classy. I so appreciated that. How many times, back in the day, would I wait and wait and wait, holding on with a tiny glimmer of hope "Well maybe they all got malaria and can't have calbacks yet" "Maybe I was SO perfect for the part they don't even need to call me back" "Maybe I was SO perfect for the part, they don't need me to rehearse" The denial of a desperate actor is so powerful that if it could be harnessed in some way, it could rival solar power as an alternative energy source. I am sure it was a pain in their ass to email everyone they didn't callback and they so didn't have to do it, but wow was that kind. And thoughtful. Just classy. They earned major points in my book.
But as kind and respectful as their message may have been, my next response was...WHAT. THE. FUCK. Holy crap! Was I that terrible?? It hasn't even been 4 hours. I thought I was good. Wait. Maybe I was not good. Maybe I thought I was good, but what I think is good is bad. Was I embarrassing? Did I embarrass myself? Did they all laugh after I left the room? Did they PITY me? Oh my gosh I bet they PITIED me because I obviously worked my ass off on this and then still sucked. And on and on I fell down the shame spiral.
Oh shame spiral. We meet again, old friend. It's been awhile.
I rode that shame spiral right on down until I spoke the following words to my husband, who found me staring at my computer with unshed tears in my eyes, "Look honey, I just don't think this should be this hard. I mean some people are meant to be actors and I don't think I am. I can't even get a callback after I worked my ass off on this? I think it's a sign that I'm not supposed to do this anymore."
Pause. Pause.
Now, my husband, who has been with me for 14 years, always takes a pause before he speaks when he finds me in these moods. Because he knows it's like dealing with a rattlesnake or a ticking time bomb. Best to move slowly. No sudden movements and no one will get hurt.
"Babe" (yes he calls me Babe sometimes. I don't know what to tell you. I like it) "If a student came to you and told you after going on one professional audition and not getting a callback that it was a sign they should not be an actor, what would you say to them?"
"But it's not the same."
Pause. Pause.
"It's not?"
"NO."
Pause. Pause.
"Okay. I love you. Goodnight" And he quietly retreats. Hoping his not completely insane wife will be back in the morning and his words might help aid in her quick return.
And they do. Even in the depth of my shame spiral, I know he's right. I know in my head, but my heart still hurts and my stomach still aches. Was this part so amazing? I have no idea! It was a new freaking play! I couldn't even get a copy of the script since it wasn't published and there were no copies made available! I had never even heard of the company until earlier that week. But it really wasn't about this part or this company. It was about putting myself out on the line to a room full of strangers. It was about feeling judged. It was about feeling vulnerable. I was out of practice. My ego was flabby.
I have no pithy or inspiring end to this story. I went to bed. I got up the next day and still felt a little embarrassed. I have no idea if I should feel that way or not. I started to replay the audition in my head a few times, to figure out if I really did a good job or not. Was I really just not right or did I suck? And then stopped myself. I'll never know. So why torture myself? Played with my kid. Bought groceries. Had lunch with a friend. Lived life. Went to bed, woke up the next day feeling a little less stupid than the day before. Lived life.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
